I need to vent. So I'm starting off today's post with some personal stuff (which I normally do anyway, but this time it's pretty personal, I'd say, and may or may not be applicable to you or anyone you even know, but I'm writing it anyway just to get it out there and into the world - if only for myself). A little forewarning: I'm going to be talking about some mental stuff and thoughts of depression and suicide, so if any of these things are triggers for you for any reason at all, please do not continue reading. Despite the fact that I think it would be overly beneficial to those of you who are triggered by such things, I will not force my thoughts and opinions upon you. I respect your decisions and only want you to be comfortable in your skin when browsing the internet.
So there. Now, onward!
A little background: I had a complete "freak out" the other day and I had no idea what to do with myself. I wanted so badly to just jump out the window of a 100-story building and end everything. Obviously that doesn't and won't ever solve anything. It will only create problems for nearly everyone else around me. And I don't want to do anything like that.
I often think a lot about ending my own life, but sometimes I'm so passive (and maybe even lazy?) about it that I think: "Well, if someone were to come by and just stab me in the heart, I might even appreciate it." That may seem super strange to you, no matter where you are in life or where you come from or whatever. Nevertheless, I want to tell you about a few things involving such awful and bleak thoughts and how I frequently overcome them or learn to just suffer through them. I hope you can find some solace in these things, especially if you suffer from similar situations/circumstances. But even if you have no Goddamn idea what I'm talking about, it wouldn't hurt to educate yourself a little bit. Here goes nothing.
I rarely have anyone to talk to when I begin to feel this way, so I seek help in somewhat rare forms. I have a few friends whom I've met via the internet who, like myself, suffer from mental illnesses that deeply affect their lives and others around them. I've become good friends with them, and have even become involved in an organization called Defeat Depression where a couple of us reach out to thousands of people suffering like us who desperately need some help and some inspiration/motivation to keep going. I receive a great amount of joy in helping with this site (also check out our Facebook page: Defeat Depression on Facebook), and I try to get on the page as often as I can--especially when I am in a very bad place.
So I was talking with one of these friends who founded the organization and told her how I was panicking and freaking out and had no idea what to do about it. She was quick to act (thankfully, things were getting a bit scary on my end), and came up with a suggestion to look into what's called "free writing." I have tried it before, but forgot all about it. So I Googled it, found some examples, guidelines, etc. I then opened up Microsoft Word, and began to just let my fingers lead me to letters on the keyboard of my computer. The words began to flow right through me and appeared on the blank page before me. No grammar or spell checks, no worries or regrets about what I was writing. It was almost magical, therapeutic, sensational. I didn't stop until I got to around 500 words without even realizing that I had even gotten that far. I read what I had written. It was terrible, I thought, but I didn't care. I already felt about a hundred times better.
I'd like to share with you what I wrote... And I hope to inspire you to do some of your own writing. Get out all those frustrations and bad thoughts and just, let go.
"I hate the way I’m feeling. I feel this way all too much. And I don’t know what to do with myself when I feel these awful feelings. I miss Vince, but I do enjoy the freedom from him sometimes.So, there you have it. My first free writing exercise.
I’m looking outside at the yellowing trees in my neighborhood and they look so beautiful, even though it means they’re dying. How awful is that? So many people love fall yet they don’t realize that it is the season that is preparing for winter—where everything is dead and gloomy. I remember reading a poem once though that talked about how fall is like the birth of the harvest or something. I don’t quite remember it, but I do remember that it talked about the positives of autumn. So I guess there’s a positive to every season- to everything.
I feel like I haven’t done much with my life and when I think about that I get really teary-eyed and sad and just generally miserable. It also doesn’t help that this Pandora station I’m listening to seems to only be playing sad and slow songs. What the fuck, universe? Way to totally fuck with me.
I’m reading all these books by famous authors—GOOD, famous authors—like Hemingway and Fitzgerald and I just absolutely fall in love with them, their characters, their stories, etc. I wish I could write like that. I wish I could escape to Paris and just start writing like they did, and live there and be happy and successful. But mainly just, HAPPY. I know they had their own problems and everything. Hemingway fucking killed himself, but he lived a full life. At least that’s how I see it. He drank a hell of a lot, but so do lots of writers. And who cares? He was amazing at it, and I have a lot of respect for the guy. What I wouldn’t give to meet him.
Tears keep streaming down my face for no apparent reason and I can’t help but just wipe them away in frustration. I’m in so much pain mentally that I just don’t know what to do with myself. Being and feeling this way absolutely sucks.
I wish I could just jump through the glass of my window, shattering it to pieces that fall to the ground (or the roof that sits below my bedroom window actually), and then leaping from the roof onto the ground below. All that would do is give me a couple of scrapes and bruises, and maybe break an arm or a leg or two. Not very productive. But I just need some way to get out of my own damn head sometimes. It’s like a fucking circus up there almost all the time and I don’t know how to contain it all. Elephants, clowns (YEESH), whatever the fuck else you find at a circus—it’s all there. Roaming around the inside of my skull, making too much noise and banging on the walls."
Just let it flow. Let go of everything and just set your mind free.
Expect to see some more free writing from me, and in the meantime, get going on your own. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail or comment below with your own work of literature. I look forward to it.
Thanks for reading.
all the best,
Clare
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