How to Feel Better About Yourself

Hey, friends. How's it going?

Lately I have been feeling really down on myself in all areas and aspects of my life, and I realize that I am the only person who can do anything about it. So why not write about it? I would imagine writing out a list of ways to help me feel better about me would be quite helpful. Here goes nothing.

Before I get into my "steps" to How to Feel Better about Yourself, I think it would make sense to start off by explaining to you what it's like to dislike yourself (if you're not familiar with the feeling). I know plenty of people dislike something about themselves (which is very sad and unfortunate and I wish I could help change everyone's minds on the subject), but I feel that not many people actually hate themselves or very strongly dislike everything about themselves. I could be wrong on that, but I don't honestly think I am. I think people who don't suffer from depression or severe anxiety like myself view themselves much differently -- in a much more positive light. Let me just say that it sucks a whole lot to truly hate oneself. I see myself as fat, ugly and stupid. I wish I was different person almost all the time. It's really not a fun way to live, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I realize you may be thinking, "Well then, do something about it. Make the changes." And yeah, I know, I've heard this a million times. I can change things for myself to make things better. But nothing is ever that easy. Nothing that is ever easy is worth it. Or however that saying goes. It's difficult for me, as well as many of other people out there, to build up the energy and motivation to make those drastic changes. Of course it would be worth it, and of course it's what I want - to be better. You just have to realize that, like many things in life, all of that is much easier said than done.

That having been said, I'm working on changing those things I hate about myself (as much as can be changed), and I'm here to help you, too, get an idea of how to do so.

1. Eat healthy. Eat good, feel good. Anyone with a brain will tell you the same thing. The better and healthier you eat, the better you feel mentally, physically, emotionally. Trust me on this one.

2. Exercise. Goes hand-in-hand with the eating healthy. When you feel physically well, you feel mentally and emotionally well, too. Whether you're into the workout scene or you just enjoy taking a short walk around the block, take time out to do something.

3. Tell yourself three positive things a day. Just three small positive affirmations a day can make a world of a difference. Look in the mirror and tell yourself something you like about YOU: "You are beautiful," "You are smart," etc. And if you find yourself forgetting to do this step, put little sticky notes all over the place with some of those compliments on them.

4. Do something kind for someone else. When you do good for others, you feel better. It's just a fact. That homeless guy on the corner could use a dollar, hold the door open for someone coming in after you, pay for the next person at the drive-thru's order, etc. It can be something so so simple, and it will make you feel good about being a good person.

5. Do something you love at least once a day. Get creative, read, watch a movie. Do something that you enjoy, make enough time for it, and the most important part of all -- ENJOY IT. Don't think about anything else but that. Do something nice for YOU, because you deserve it.

6. Get a good night's sleep. 8-10 hours is your best bet, no matter how old you are. Get a good night's rest and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. You'll feel ready to take on the day in a much better mood and with a much more positive attitude.

7. Spend time with people who love you and make you happy. Be with friends and family who enjoy your company. Avoid the people who bring you down by bullying you and insulting you for no good reason. You don't deserve that. You're better than they say you are. Spend more time with the people who build you up and love you for who you are. And don't forget to have a good time with them, you deserve to be happy.

That's all I've got for you today, folks. Hope that was helpful. Stay warm. I'll write more again soon. Thanks for reading.

Living with Depression: the Never-Ending War Between My Brain and I

I have tried writing this post for over a month, and although I know it won't be anywhere near what I truly want it to say, it needs to just be written already. Hang in there with me while I try and navigate some of these thoughts and ideas.

If you don't already know, I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and Bipolar Disorder since I was around the age of 13. Things grew progressively worse at 16, and have only continued to plummet since then. I am 24. I have been hospitalized four times since 18, all due to suicide attempts gone wrong (or right? -- One could certainly argue that the fact that I was not successful in those attempts is a good thing). I have been on nearly every anti-depressant/ anti-psychotic/ anti-anxiety medication you can think of. I've even tried the natural route, with vitamins and teas that are meant to help mood swings and disorders. I've tried acupuncture, a special chiropractor, yoga, etc. Currently, I go to therapy once a week and I see my psychiatrist at least once a month to check up on medications and things.

I am obviously going to be completely honest and open with you in this post, as I have been thus far. It's going to be hard, but I really need to get it all out - or at least as much of it as I can get out. If you don't want to hear it (as I know many people probably will feel and have felt in the past), then leave. I'll be truthful and tell you that for those of you who really do not give a flying f*ck, I am angry with you. And I probably always will be. At any rate, I'm going to continue with this whether you like it or not, because I'm hoping it helps me, and ultimately helps others.

For those of you that don't know what it's like to suffer from chronic depression, this is probably only going to scratch the surface. There is no way in hell that I can describe how this feels and how Goddamn f*cking miserable it is. But I'm going to try, and maybe you'll have a better sense or understanding of mental illness.

It's been at least 3 weeks since I started feeling this depressed. I've been depressed before, obviously. But this time feels different. Part of it feels almost like it's the very end of it, part of it feels like it will last forever. Which would you prefer: dying now but ending your pain? Or living longer having to endure that pain? You don't need to answer that, of course; I haven't answered it yet either, nor do I really ever wish to.

Let me explain a bit what this "pain" is like... Imagine you are sitting in a chair in the corner of a room. It's a nice, comfortable chair in the corner of a nice, comfortable room. Maybe it's your bedroom, maybe it's your living room. Wherever you want this chair to be, just picture it as a cozy chair in a room that you like, a room that you feel at home in. You're sitting there, with nothing but your own thoughts to entertain you. So you start to think about little things, things you see in the room, maybe you think about how you're currently feeling, or about what you have to do that day. Then those thoughts turn into bigger thoughts - like, "What am I doing wasting time in this chair? I should be doing something with my life right now! Get up, get up!" And then those thoughts turn into, "But why do I need to be doing something with my life? What's the point? What's the point of this and that and anything?" And then you break into a sweat, a panicked sweat. This place you inhabit is so much bigger than just you sitting in that stupid chair in that stupid room. And you begin to worry and wonder and want to get out. You want to crawl out of your own skin, run away, go somewhere where you don't have to have these thoughts. ---- Okay, so I'm realizing how difficult this may be to comprehend for some of you. You may be thinking, "That escalated quickly!" or "What the heck?!" I suck at explaining things, so let me just try something else. Bear with me here...

It would be extremely cliche of me to tell you that this pain is like having a storm cloud hovering over you on a constant basis, but it's actually a very good analogy. As a wannabe writer, I'm trying to think of a better metaphor, but my creative juices are just not flowin' lately, so we'll stick with the storm cloud and see where it takes us. So it's this big, grey cloud that basically just dumps rain on you at the most random times. There's also a significant amount of thunder and lightning going on there, too. What I mean is, you are sad. A LOT. And it hits you at random times. And sometimes, you're not just sad, but you're angry and irritated. And it gets so bad that you don't know how to handle it, and you just want to start bashing your head into the wall. Like, a hundred times. ----- Urgh, this is not easy. Sorry, I'm trying.

Essentially, what I'm aiming to say is that depression sucks. And I often can't control it, and it just hits me like a ton of bricks at times. It sometimes gets so bad that I think about wanting to just go to sleep and then hope and pray that I don't wake up. Other times, I want to be proactive in my own death, so I down a couple of bottles of pills and wake up in a hospital bed with tubes up my nose and mouth.

I am doing a fairly terrible job of explaining and getting my point across. Well, actually, I don't know if I even have a point, truthfully. I'm just letting the world (or the one to two people that actually read this) know that I am not okay, and that is okay. I think.

Thanks for reading; I'll try to clear my head and write something much more logical later.

Happy 2015!

Happy New Year, friends!

Instead of giving you a cliche blog post about how it's a new year and a new you, etc etc etc, I would like to start out with some personal stuff.

I've been sick since Christmas Eve (UGH), and I was hoping (by some miracle) that my sickness wouldn't carry into the new year. Alas, I am still sick and it's day 3 of 2015. After a series of unfortunate events involving a shitty human being, my dog, and some pepper spray, I've had sinus troubles for just about 10 days now. It's been a fun bunch of days, let me tell you. I've also been working every day since Christmas Eve (except for today, thankfully) and the combination of sinus problems and working has not been all that wonderful. But I am trying to make the most of my free time. And by that I mean going to bed at 10 pm and waking up at 10 am. Which gives me a solid 2 hours per day to sit around, eat, and read. So it's safe to say that my 2015 hasn't been all that great or eventful, but I'm going to be positive and turn things around by the time this sickness finally goes away. As I'm sure you know, being sick does not make it easy to be positive or have fun or do anything that you would even remotely consider fun. So I've been a sick, cold, sleepy mess.

In other news (although I'm sure you don't really care, but I'm going to tell you anyway), I am being tapered off of all my antidepressants aaand I could not be more ecstatic about it! I have been on medications since I was roughly 16 (I'll be 24 this month, do the math). I have only ever been off of any sort of medication for about one month when I was 17. So now I'm slowly coming down off of the medicines I've been on for so long, and although I don't feel any different, I feel entirely optimistic about it. By the middle of this month, I will no longer be taking any medication and I'm beyond excited. My point is this: new year, new me. So, in turn, you can do the same.

Let's get down to business for today's post, then: how to make the most of 2015, and here's how to do it in 2 simple steps!

1. Make a list of things you wish to accomplish over the course of the year. They can be ridiculous things that you may never do or get done, or they can be things that you do daily anyway. Whatever you decide to write down, make it fun, and make sure it will make you happy either writing it down or DOING it. Here's my little list to the right. When I originally wrote this list, I wrote some silly things (fly to the moon, be Batman, etc), but decided I really wanted to take care of some business this year. So I went with things I know I can accomplish and successfully do. And I can do all of them with a little bit less stress. They're also mostly fun things to do, so that makes them more appealing and more than likely easier to do and get done. I've already started planning things to get my room all ready for some decorating (I'm getting a new bed, woohoo!) I'm working a lot, so there's the saving of the money. I'm going on vacation on Monday, I'm talking more with my coworkers, I'm being more positive, I'm drawing more, photographing more, and exercising more. Doing all of these things will lead to my ultimate goal, which lies at the bottom of my list: BEING HAPPY. Which I highly suggest you put on your list as well. The main thing is to keep it simple and keep it fun.

2. Stop dreaming, start DOING. Time to get down and dirty! To the list! Cross some of those things off that list! Go bungee jumping, skydiving, paint, fly, write! Do whatever it is your little heart desires. Try new things, foods, people, places. This year is all about YOU. Get out there and do something. Volunteer, work, travel, eat! Whatever it is, DO IT. RIGHT AWAY. DON'T PUT IT OFF. What are you still doing here reading?! GO GO GO!

That's all I got for you, amigos. I'm not much fun right now as I am trying to keep my brains from falling out of my nostrils (Yeah, that pepper spray really got me). But anyway - HAPPY 2015! MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!

xoxo, Clare